The truth of the matter is that I've been off work for quite a while now. Six months to be precise. The cause of it? Well, after much testing and suchlike, it appears that I'm suffering from anxiety. So what, you might be thinking. Everyone suffers with anxiety and stress at some point in their lifes. What makes me any different? That is exactly the question I've been asking myself, believe me. It would appear that I don't have the ability to cope with 'stuff' in the same way as everyone else. As a consequence, I'm currently taking anti-depressants, as well as seeing a counsellor. It'd probably help if I explained the reason behind my anxieties.
Since 2003, I've lost 5 close family members. Firstly, my paternal grandmother died. She was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND) in September 2002. Now, I was no expert on the disease, but I'd seen and heard enough about it in the media to know it was no picnic. I also knew there was no cure for it. But I wasn't prepared for the incredibly quick decline in my grandma, that meant by Christmas 2002, she would be completely paralysed and unable to communicate. This was heartbreaking to see, especially in a lady who, up until this point, had only ever been ill a handful of times in her 70 years. Sadly a couple of weeks after Christmas, she developed pneumonia, and passed away on 15th January (my parents wedding anniversary).
Two months later, my mum's eldest brother, G, was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I was completely devastated by this. G was my godfather, and one of my best friends, as well as being my uncle. He underwent an operation to remove a large part of his stomach, as well as incredibly intense chemotherapy. During this time, he came to stay with us, so we could care for him during his recovery. Being the only one at home through the day (as I work evenings), I was with him most of the time, and this strengthened our already close bond. Then he was given the fantastic news that the doctors and surgeons had been able to remove all of the infected tissue, and the prognosis was looking good. Once he was feeling better, he took his children (aged 14 and 8 at the time, I think) on a holiday abroad. The day he returned from this holiday, is was clear for us to see that all was not well. The very same day, he was admitted to hospital. Sadly, he would never go home. Doctors confirmed our worst fears that the cancer had returned, and this time, it had spread entirely throughout his body. There was nothing they could do, except make him comfortable. We offered to take him home to look after him, but he said he didn't want us to shoulder that burden. He was admitted to a hospice in April 2004, and it was there that he passed away peacfully on 3rd June.
Next, came the news that my paternal grandfather was very ill. To be honest, this wasn't a huge shock. He'd never been an entirely well man, as far back as I could remember. The last few years previous to his passing, he'd suffered 3 or 4 strokes, as well as bronchitis and pneumonia. It was while he was in hospital after his last stroke that a shadow was discovered on his lungs (ironically 15 years to the day after he stopped smoking). The doctors quickly discovered that the cancer was untreatable, due to it's advanced state, and 6 weeks after he was admitted to hospital, my granddad passed away on 4th August 2005 (the day before my 22nd birthday).
In December 2007, my fiance's mother was rushed to hospital with suspected heart failure. Again, she had not been a well woman for many years, and amongst her various ailments were impared sight, diabetes, arthritis, and heart problems. Sadly, the heart failure was so advanced that the doctors could not help her, and although the doctors made her as comfortable as they could, she sadly passed away on 3rd January 2008.
Finally in April 2008, my maternal grandmother passed away suddenly. Now, she also had been ill on and off for many years, with much the same problems as my fiance's mother. But she'd always come through the other side, battlescared but pretty much ok. However, in mid-April, she began to complain of feeling unwell, and spent 2 weeks in bed. She was adamant that she didn't need a doctor, despite all of our protestations. Then on the morning of 26th April, whilst my mum was visiting her, my nan told my granddad that she wanted the doctor. A doctor was called for, but sadly, my nan passed away before he arrived. She'd had a massive pulmonary embolism.
So as you can see, I've had a lot to cope with over the past few years. I suppose the heart of the problem, is that I didn't grieve for any of my losses. This was simply because I didn't know how. I mean, sure, I cried at the funerals, but outside of that, I sort of pushed all thoughts of the deaths and the family members out of my mind. Clearly now, it's easy to see the damage this has done. I've sort of programmed myself to block things out of my mind if I don't want to deal with them. Of course, the problem with this is that they build up and build up and build up, and eventually you have to find a way of letting off steam. Sadly in my case, this has been in the form of panic attacks.
Hopefully, with the medication and the counselling, I will be able to find a way to 'cope' in the future with any obstacles that come my way, as well as being able to grieve for the people and things I've lost in the past.
I will apologise if you think this posting has been excessively morbid or morose. It's just happened to be that these are the things which have triggered my anxiety. Talking about them helps. If I hadn't spoke about them, there wouldn't have been much point posting this particular blog. Thank you for humouring my ramblings. I look forward to posting again soon about lighter topics :-)
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