Wishful thinking

"Be careful what you wish for, as those wishes my come true." I'm starting to believe that old adage. When I was younger, I thought the last thing I would ever want would be to have children. When chatting with friends in my teenage years, the topic would come up every now and then, and I was always adamant that I never wanted children. Why would I ever want to be tied down with screaming babies, dirty nappies and sleepless nights? The thought was so alien to me, I couldn't comprehend those friends of mine who would gush "I'd like a boy and a girl", or "Three is a nice number". No, the idea pretty much disgusted me to be honest. I'd never been comfortable around children, and babies in particular. Despite coming from a large family, I'd always been clumsy and awkward around kids, and didn't really know how to interact with them.

Then when I was about 20, my best friend P (who is 2 years older than me), gave birth to a little boy. I absolutely fell in love with him straight away. He was so precious and perfect. The day I met him for the first time was kind of surreal for me. I'd spent 8 months listening to my friend talk about her swollen ankles, heartburn, sore back and general uncomfortableness, and whilst I tried to be as sympathetic as possible, all the time I was thinking 'What on Earth could be worth all this hassle?' Then when I saw P cradling her son, I realised. Even though he was only a few hours old, there was already an unbreakable bond between them. There was this aura of love and happiness surrounding them that really took my breath away.

The following year or so was when I really started to open up my mind to the idea of having kids myself. Watching the daily trials and tribulations of my friend, seeing that even though it was tough and not always straightforward, it was so rewarding. The highs and lows of having children was really starting to appeal to me. This was strengthened 3 years ago when my brother and his girlfriend had their first little girl. My first niece. An indescribably beautiful little girl with a headful of auburn hair. She was (an still is) a little angel to me.

When my niece was about 9 months old, I met my fiance, J. Now, as you may have read in my first post, J has 5 sons. To be honest, I was really unsettled by this at first, but not for the reasons you might think. The reason I was worried was because they were all 'grown-up' so to speak. By that I don't mean adult, but they were all high-school-age and above. I was worried that they wouldn't like me, or accept me as their dad's new girlfriend. I needn't have worried though, as I've got on extremely well with all of them.

J and I spoke, quite early on in our relationship, about children. He comes from an absolutely enormous family. He has 5 siblings and 15 nieces and nephews (as well as countless great-nieces and nephews). He loves children, and in turn, children are drawn to him like a magnet! He had in fact wanted more children with his ex-wife, but (somewhat wisely I think in their situation) they had ultimately decided against it. After we'd discussed it at some length, we decided to start trying for a baby of our own. Some might have seen this as a bit rash so early on in our relationship (we'd been together 6 months at this time), but we believe that fate had decided to pair us up, and we were meant to be together, so what was the point of waiting around?

Well dear reader, that was 2 years ago. There is still no sign of any baby forthcoming. After we'd been trying for a year, we went to our GP. We were tested and prodded and examined, and all the tests came back clear. There is no conceivable reason (pardon the pun) why we can't get pregnant. It is a mystery. At the moment, all we can do is keep trying. We've got an appointment with a specialist next month to see about starting a course of IVF. The thought terrifies me if I'm truly honest, but we just have to keep thinking about the end result. A beautiful baby of our own.

It has made me think though. What if what I wished for when I was a teenager has come true? What if it never happens?