My Life In 15 Albums.

This is a note that I first composed on Facebook about 6 months ago, and which I got quite a good response to, so I just wanted to share it with you. Hope you enjoy!

Think of 15 albums that has such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world.

In no particular order:

1. Blur - Parklife

When I was at high school, I was never really into music. I wasn’t really into anything to be honest. My one pleasure was going to the local library on a Saturday morning and borrowing all their Stephen King books. But one day I went in to find that they had started lending out CD’s (for I think £1 a week). This was the start of my music adventure. There was a really wide range of musical genres available, most of which I would listen to. But there were 4 CD’s which I would borrow religiously, all of which are in this list, and all of which were formative in terms of my future musical tastes. Parklife was one of them. It was the first Blur album I had heard, and I was hooked immediately. I just loved the quirkiness of it, and the different styles of the songs. I suppose, due to my teenage angst at the time, my favourite track is ‘This Is A Low’. I have been an avid follower of Blur ever since.

2. Nirvana – Nevermind

This was another of the borrowed CD’s, and my first taste of ‘rock’. I was mesmerised by the lyrics in particular. Also, as a result, for a long time I wanted to be a bass guitarist (sadly, a dream not yet realised!). I think my favourite track would probably be ‘Stay Away’, although this is not my favourite Nirvana track (which is ‘Downer’ from Bleach).

3. Ash – 1977

CD #3 from the library, and probably the one I played the most. I always preferred Ash as a trio, and I think this is probably their best album in the trio format. I love every single song on this album, although the cartoon-like quality of ‘Kung-Fu’ stuck with me and it is one of my favourite tracks of any band.

4. The Clash – The Story of The Clash Vol.1

When I was 19, all I knew about The Clash was ‘Should I Stay Or Should I Go’ and ‘Rock The Casbah’. Then that year, a few days before Christmas, I was reading an article about them in a well-known music magazine, and I thought “Yeah, I’d like to hear a little bit more”. That afternoon I paid a visit to HMV, and bought ‘The Story of The Clash’, as I thought that a greatest hits would be a good place to start. I listened to it all the way through that day and loved it immediately. Once it had finished I switched on the radio, to hear that Joe Strummer had died of a heart attack that morning. The following day I went out and bought ‘The Clash’ and ‘London Calling’, and they have been neigh-on permanent fixtures in my CD player ever since. I highly recommend that everyone own at least one Clash album (my own personal favourite being ‘The Clash’).

5. The Libertines – Up The Bracket

When ‘Up The Bracket’ was released, I didn’t know anything about The Libertines. But I can remember reading somewhere that Mick Jones of The Clash was producing their debut album and I can remember thinking that it might be worth listening to. The first track I heard was a demo version of ‘I Get Along’, and I loved the (almost shambolic) rawness of it. That remains, not only my favourite song from the album, but my overall favourite Libs song.

6. The White Stripes – White Blood Cells

I think I came slightly late to the party, as far as The White Stripes are concerned. The first time I heard them was when ‘Fell In Love With A Girl’ was Jo Whiley’s single of the week on Radio 1. But I loved the song, and I not only bought this album, but also ‘White Stripes’ and ‘De Stijl’ (which is also my favourite Stripes album). I think I knew I was onto a winner, because I was listening to ‘White Blood Cells’ one day, and my mum walked past my bedroom and asked “What the hell is this noise?” Anything that annoyed my parents was a big thumbs-up for me at the time! (See Rage Against The Machine)

7. Bob Dylan – Blood On The Tracks

I never used to see the fuss about Bob Dylan. I just didn’t get it. Then one night I was watching Jools Holland, and KT Tunstall did a cover of ‘Tangled Up In Blue’. I was completely blown away by the lyrics. I went out the next day and bought ‘Blood On The Tracks’. It is one of the most heartfelt and heart-breaking albums I have ever heard. My favourite track is ‘Simple Twist Of Fate’. I have since become a big Dylan fan.

8. Rage Against The Machine – Rage Against The Machine

When I was in my late teens, I was completely pissed-off at the world. The best way for me to vent me anger was with music. Nirvana, Green Day and basically, anything else loud I could find, were all I played for a while. ‘Rage Against...’was one of the best ones to play at a really high volume, and I especially loved to play ‘Killing In The Name’, just as a big f-u to my parents! Thankfully, they realised I was just being a normal, hormone-ridden teenager!

9. Bloc Party – A Weekend In The City

This album has a special place with me, just because it was my favourite album when I met my fiancé. I was already massively into Bloc Party when this album came out, already owning just about everything they had ever recorded! As soon as ‘A Weekend..’ came out, it was on constant repeat in my car. About 2 weeks later I met J, and I used to pick him up when I finished work and we’d drive to a pub or a restaurant and sit and talk for hours. So I suppose, this was the soundtrack to the beginning of our relationship.

10. Led Zeppelin – Physical Graffiti

I would really love to try and be cool and say that any of the first four Led Zep albums are my favourite, but it would be a damn lie! I love ‘Physical Graffiti’, and it contains my two favourite Led Zep songs – ‘Kashmir’ and ‘The Rover’. I didn’t really get into the band until a couple of years ago. I guess I held off because I thought that certain people thought you were only cool and knew about music if you were ‘into’ Led Zeppelin, and I didn’t want to come across as being a pretentious twat like them. Then I caved in and bought the first album, and was pleasantly surprised by how much I liked it! The rest of the albums followed, but I have a special fondness for ‘Physical Graffiti’.

11. Weezer – Weezer

When I read an old school friend’s list that he did, he mentioned about seeing the video for ‘Buddy Holly’ on Windows 95. This was also the first time I ever saw Weezer, but it was not the start of my love for them – I just dismissed it as a funny video! It wasn’t until many years later when they had released ‘Maladroit’, that I started to take an interest in the band. I liked that album, so I decided to go back to the beginning bought ‘Weezer’. It remains one of my favourite all-time albums, just because it has so many levels to it. Owing to my state of mind at the time of purchase (I was going through a phase of unrequited love), ‘Say It Aint So’ is my favourite track.

12. The Coral – The Coral

I love The Coral, and I’m not afraid to say it! I just think this album is amazing, because it was so different to everything else out there when it was released. It was like nothing I’d ever heard before. ‘Goodbye’, and ‘Skeleton Key’ are probably my favourite tracks, but I think you need to listen to the album as a whole to fully appreciate it.

13. Foo Fighters – The Colour And The Shape

This was another band where I came late to the party. I had heard of the band, but not really paid much attention to be honest. Then I heard a live track of theirs on the radio, round about the time they released ‘One By One’, and I liked what I heard. I went shopping, but the only album I could find at the time was ‘The Colour...’ It completely blew me away, and started a love affair with the band that continues to this day. I think my favourite track would be ‘My Hero’, but I don’t dislike any track from the album.

14. Pixies – Surfer Rosa & Come On Pilgrim

My love of Pixies started when I was at college. A group of us were talking one day, and the topic got round to music. Someone mentioned Pixies, and me being completely musically naive at the time, happened to comment that I had never heard of them. The next day, one of my friends came over with ‘Surfer..’ and I listened to it, taped it, and never took it out of my walkman for about 3 months. At the time it was the weirdest, bestest thing I had ever heard! I do like all of the Pixies albums, but I think the first one is the best, and ‘Vamos’ is one of my favourite guitar tracks ever.

15. Radiohead – The Bends

This is the 4th and final CD that I borrowed from the library. It is also my favourite Radiohead album (although I do have a soft spot for the much-scorned ‘Pablo Honey’). I think I prefer the earlier Radiohead material because it’s rock-ier, than the later stuff. Having said that, ‘In-Rainbows’ is pretty high on the list. ‘Fake Plastic Trees’ is one of my favourite songs of all time, but like with ‘The Colour And The Shape’, I don’t dislike any track from this album.

Hope you enjoyed my musings on music. Try and have a go at the list yourself! Until next time......

The Vicious Circle

I've been going to post this blog for a while, but have held off for various reasons, the main one being, well, embarrassment really. I'm now coming to the conclusion that talking about my problems really does help. So I apologise in advance if my words seem like a bit of a ramble through my tangled mind, but just putting these thought down on paper (or the laptop screen, in this case), is a therapy of sorts for me. Also, please don't think that this is just me wallowing in self-pity. Far from it. I'm hoping this release will help me to rationalise and work through my problems.

The truth of the matter is that I've been off work for quite a while now. Six months to be precise. The cause of it? Well, after much testing and suchlike, it appears that I'm suffering from anxiety. So what, you might be thinking. Everyone suffers with anxiety and stress at some point in their lifes. What makes me any different? That is exactly the question I've been asking myself, believe me. It would appear that I don't have the ability to cope with 'stuff' in the same way as everyone else. As a consequence, I'm currently taking anti-depressants, as well as seeing a counsellor. It'd probably help if I explained the reason behind my anxieties.

Since 2003, I've lost 5 close family members. Firstly, my paternal grandmother died. She was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease (MND) in September 2002. Now, I was no expert on the disease, but I'd seen and heard enough about it in the media to know it was no picnic. I also knew there was no cure for it. But I wasn't prepared for the incredibly quick decline in my grandma, that meant by Christmas 2002, she would be completely paralysed and unable to communicate. This was heartbreaking to see, especially in a lady who, up until this point, had only ever been ill a handful of times in her 70 years. Sadly a couple of weeks after Christmas, she developed pneumonia, and passed away on 15th January (my parents wedding anniversary).

Two months later, my mum's eldest brother, G, was diagnosed with stomach cancer. I was completely devastated by this. G was my godfather, and one of my best friends, as well as being my uncle. He underwent an operation to remove a large part of his stomach, as well as incredibly intense chemotherapy. During this time, he came to stay with us, so we could care for him during his recovery. Being the only one at home through the day (as I work evenings), I was with him most of the time, and this strengthened our already close bond. Then he was given the fantastic news that the doctors and surgeons had been able to remove all of the infected tissue, and the prognosis was looking good. Once he was feeling better, he took his children (aged 14 and 8 at the time, I think) on a holiday abroad. The day he returned from this holiday, is was clear for us to see that all was not well. The very same day, he was admitted to hospital. Sadly, he would never go home. Doctors confirmed our worst fears that the cancer had returned, and this time, it had spread entirely throughout his body. There was nothing they could do, except make him comfortable. We offered to take him home to look after him, but he said he didn't want us to shoulder that burden. He was admitted to a hospice in April 2004, and it was there that he passed away peacfully on 3rd June.

Next, came the news that my paternal grandfather was very ill. To be honest, this wasn't a huge shock. He'd never been an entirely well man, as far back as I could remember. The last few years previous to his passing, he'd suffered 3 or 4 strokes, as well as bronchitis and pneumonia. It was while he was in hospital after his last stroke that a shadow was discovered on his lungs (ironically 15 years to the day after he stopped smoking). The doctors quickly discovered that the cancer was untreatable, due to it's advanced state, and 6 weeks after he was admitted to hospital, my granddad passed away on 4th August 2005 (the day before my 22nd birthday).

In December 2007, my fiance's mother was rushed to hospital with suspected heart failure. Again, she had not been a well woman for many years, and amongst her various ailments were impared sight, diabetes, arthritis, and heart problems. Sadly, the heart failure was so advanced that the doctors could not help her, and although the doctors made her as comfortable as they could, she sadly passed away on 3rd January 2008.

Finally in April 2008, my maternal grandmother passed away suddenly. Now, she also had been ill on and off for many years, with much the same problems as my fiance's mother. But she'd always come through the other side, battlescared but pretty much ok. However, in mid-April, she began to complain of feeling unwell, and spent 2 weeks in bed. She was adamant that she didn't need a doctor, despite all of our protestations. Then on the morning of 26th April, whilst my mum was visiting her, my nan told my granddad that she wanted the doctor. A doctor was called for, but sadly, my nan passed away before he arrived. She'd had a massive pulmonary embolism.

So as you can see, I've had a lot to cope with over the past few years. I suppose the heart of the problem, is that I didn't grieve for any of my losses. This was simply because I didn't know how. I mean, sure, I cried at the funerals, but outside of that, I sort of pushed all thoughts of the deaths and the family members out of my mind. Clearly now, it's easy to see the damage this has done. I've sort of programmed myself to block things out of my mind if I don't want to deal with them. Of course, the problem with this is that they build up and build up and build up, and eventually you have to find a way of letting off steam. Sadly in my case, this has been in the form of panic attacks.

Hopefully, with the medication and the counselling, I will be able to find a way to 'cope' in the future with any obstacles that come my way, as well as being able to grieve for the people and things I've lost in the past.

I will apologise if you think this posting has been excessively morbid or morose. It's just happened to be that these are the things which have triggered my anxiety. Talking about them helps. If I hadn't spoke about them, there wouldn't have been much point posting this particular blog. Thank you for humouring my ramblings. I look forward to posting again soon about lighter topics :-)

Wishful thinking

"Be careful what you wish for, as those wishes my come true." I'm starting to believe that old adage. When I was younger, I thought the last thing I would ever want would be to have children. When chatting with friends in my teenage years, the topic would come up every now and then, and I was always adamant that I never wanted children. Why would I ever want to be tied down with screaming babies, dirty nappies and sleepless nights? The thought was so alien to me, I couldn't comprehend those friends of mine who would gush "I'd like a boy and a girl", or "Three is a nice number". No, the idea pretty much disgusted me to be honest. I'd never been comfortable around children, and babies in particular. Despite coming from a large family, I'd always been clumsy and awkward around kids, and didn't really know how to interact with them.

Then when I was about 20, my best friend P (who is 2 years older than me), gave birth to a little boy. I absolutely fell in love with him straight away. He was so precious and perfect. The day I met him for the first time was kind of surreal for me. I'd spent 8 months listening to my friend talk about her swollen ankles, heartburn, sore back and general uncomfortableness, and whilst I tried to be as sympathetic as possible, all the time I was thinking 'What on Earth could be worth all this hassle?' Then when I saw P cradling her son, I realised. Even though he was only a few hours old, there was already an unbreakable bond between them. There was this aura of love and happiness surrounding them that really took my breath away.

The following year or so was when I really started to open up my mind to the idea of having kids myself. Watching the daily trials and tribulations of my friend, seeing that even though it was tough and not always straightforward, it was so rewarding. The highs and lows of having children was really starting to appeal to me. This was strengthened 3 years ago when my brother and his girlfriend had their first little girl. My first niece. An indescribably beautiful little girl with a headful of auburn hair. She was (an still is) a little angel to me.

When my niece was about 9 months old, I met my fiance, J. Now, as you may have read in my first post, J has 5 sons. To be honest, I was really unsettled by this at first, but not for the reasons you might think. The reason I was worried was because they were all 'grown-up' so to speak. By that I don't mean adult, but they were all high-school-age and above. I was worried that they wouldn't like me, or accept me as their dad's new girlfriend. I needn't have worried though, as I've got on extremely well with all of them.

J and I spoke, quite early on in our relationship, about children. He comes from an absolutely enormous family. He has 5 siblings and 15 nieces and nephews (as well as countless great-nieces and nephews). He loves children, and in turn, children are drawn to him like a magnet! He had in fact wanted more children with his ex-wife, but (somewhat wisely I think in their situation) they had ultimately decided against it. After we'd discussed it at some length, we decided to start trying for a baby of our own. Some might have seen this as a bit rash so early on in our relationship (we'd been together 6 months at this time), but we believe that fate had decided to pair us up, and we were meant to be together, so what was the point of waiting around?

Well dear reader, that was 2 years ago. There is still no sign of any baby forthcoming. After we'd been trying for a year, we went to our GP. We were tested and prodded and examined, and all the tests came back clear. There is no conceivable reason (pardon the pun) why we can't get pregnant. It is a mystery. At the moment, all we can do is keep trying. We've got an appointment with a specialist next month to see about starting a course of IVF. The thought terrifies me if I'm truly honest, but we just have to keep thinking about the end result. A beautiful baby of our own.

It has made me think though. What if what I wished for when I was a teenager has come true? What if it never happens?

Hello!

So this is my first, some say premier, blog. All I intend to do is tell you all a little bit about myself and my life, before I go on to post something a bit longer.

I'm 25 years old, and live in a little town called Featherstone in West Yorkshire. It's a former coal mining town, with a strong history. It's probably most famous for it's rugby league team, Featherstone Rovers, who I follow with all my heart!

I live with my fiance, who we'll call J. We've been together since February 2007, and we've been engaged since December 2007 (Christmas Day to be precise). I've honestly never been as happy in my life! Life was pretty grim before I met J (but more about that at a later date), and he has given me nothing but sunshine and hope in my life ever since the first day I met him.

J also has 5 children (all boys aged 13-22), which also means I have a ready-made family, so to speak. That was something I never expected would happen. Also, we've been trying to start our own little family for about 18 months now, but with no luck as yet. This is also something I will blog about later, as it's a big part of our lives at the moment.

I come from quite a large family. While my immediate family is just me, my bro, my mum and dad, our extended family is pretty huge. My dad has four siblings, and my mum three (although sadly my mum's oldest brother passed away about 5 years ago). Consequently, I have plenty of cousins, some of which also have children of their own now too! My brother (who is two years younger than me) has two beautiful daughters who are aged 3 and 1. They are truly gorgeous, both inside and out. They are a joy to just be around, and I love them dearly! :)

I work at a nearby hospital, as a supervising technician, and as such, am responsible for training new staff on our department, and overseeing the running of the department when management aren't around. I've been there for nearly 7 years, and I love it!

I have a small but completely brilliant group of friends, who I love and trust immensely. My best friend, P is my oldest, closest friend, and the most brilliant of all! We've been best friends for 16 years, and I trust her with my life. I'm also her little boy's godmother.

My pleasures in life are not what some people would call tremendously exciting, but hell - they're my pleasures! I love love love listening to music. I'm open to listening to any genre, but my heart always goes back to punk, indie, and rock. I do have a soft spot for Girls Aloud, but that's really the only 'pop' music I like. To be honest I'm not really into labelling music as one thing or another - to me, if you like it, you like it, it doesn't need to be categorised.

I read a tremendous amount, mostly autobiographical books, sports books, and anything factual. I have this sort of deep-seated thirst for knowledge. Having said that, I also have a copy of every Stephen King novel, so don't go typecasting me as some sort of intellectual, because really, I'm not!

I love watching any kind of sport, although I left my playing days behind at school. Rugby league and football are my favourites, but to be honest I will watch any! Thankfully, this is a hobby I share with J!

I'm gonna finish now, as I think I've covered everything I wanted to in my first post. I hope this has given you a little bit of an insight into my life, and what I'm about. I'll look forward to posting again soon! x-x-x

P.S If you've got any questions, please feel free to leave a comment :)