Wishful thinking

"Be careful what you wish for, as those wishes my come true." I'm starting to believe that old adage. When I was younger, I thought the last thing I would ever want would be to have children. When chatting with friends in my teenage years, the topic would come up every now and then, and I was always adamant that I never wanted children. Why would I ever want to be tied down with screaming babies, dirty nappies and sleepless nights? The thought was so alien to me, I couldn't comprehend those friends of mine who would gush "I'd like a boy and a girl", or "Three is a nice number". No, the idea pretty much disgusted me to be honest. I'd never been comfortable around children, and babies in particular. Despite coming from a large family, I'd always been clumsy and awkward around kids, and didn't really know how to interact with them.

Then when I was about 20, my best friend P (who is 2 years older than me), gave birth to a little boy. I absolutely fell in love with him straight away. He was so precious and perfect. The day I met him for the first time was kind of surreal for me. I'd spent 8 months listening to my friend talk about her swollen ankles, heartburn, sore back and general uncomfortableness, and whilst I tried to be as sympathetic as possible, all the time I was thinking 'What on Earth could be worth all this hassle?' Then when I saw P cradling her son, I realised. Even though he was only a few hours old, there was already an unbreakable bond between them. There was this aura of love and happiness surrounding them that really took my breath away.

The following year or so was when I really started to open up my mind to the idea of having kids myself. Watching the daily trials and tribulations of my friend, seeing that even though it was tough and not always straightforward, it was so rewarding. The highs and lows of having children was really starting to appeal to me. This was strengthened 3 years ago when my brother and his girlfriend had their first little girl. My first niece. An indescribably beautiful little girl with a headful of auburn hair. She was (an still is) a little angel to me.

When my niece was about 9 months old, I met my fiance, J. Now, as you may have read in my first post, J has 5 sons. To be honest, I was really unsettled by this at first, but not for the reasons you might think. The reason I was worried was because they were all 'grown-up' so to speak. By that I don't mean adult, but they were all high-school-age and above. I was worried that they wouldn't like me, or accept me as their dad's new girlfriend. I needn't have worried though, as I've got on extremely well with all of them.

J and I spoke, quite early on in our relationship, about children. He comes from an absolutely enormous family. He has 5 siblings and 15 nieces and nephews (as well as countless great-nieces and nephews). He loves children, and in turn, children are drawn to him like a magnet! He had in fact wanted more children with his ex-wife, but (somewhat wisely I think in their situation) they had ultimately decided against it. After we'd discussed it at some length, we decided to start trying for a baby of our own. Some might have seen this as a bit rash so early on in our relationship (we'd been together 6 months at this time), but we believe that fate had decided to pair us up, and we were meant to be together, so what was the point of waiting around?

Well dear reader, that was 2 years ago. There is still no sign of any baby forthcoming. After we'd been trying for a year, we went to our GP. We were tested and prodded and examined, and all the tests came back clear. There is no conceivable reason (pardon the pun) why we can't get pregnant. It is a mystery. At the moment, all we can do is keep trying. We've got an appointment with a specialist next month to see about starting a course of IVF. The thought terrifies me if I'm truly honest, but we just have to keep thinking about the end result. A beautiful baby of our own.

It has made me think though. What if what I wished for when I was a teenager has come true? What if it never happens?

Hello!

So this is my first, some say premier, blog. All I intend to do is tell you all a little bit about myself and my life, before I go on to post something a bit longer.

I'm 25 years old, and live in a little town called Featherstone in West Yorkshire. It's a former coal mining town, with a strong history. It's probably most famous for it's rugby league team, Featherstone Rovers, who I follow with all my heart!

I live with my fiance, who we'll call J. We've been together since February 2007, and we've been engaged since December 2007 (Christmas Day to be precise). I've honestly never been as happy in my life! Life was pretty grim before I met J (but more about that at a later date), and he has given me nothing but sunshine and hope in my life ever since the first day I met him.

J also has 5 children (all boys aged 13-22), which also means I have a ready-made family, so to speak. That was something I never expected would happen. Also, we've been trying to start our own little family for about 18 months now, but with no luck as yet. This is also something I will blog about later, as it's a big part of our lives at the moment.

I come from quite a large family. While my immediate family is just me, my bro, my mum and dad, our extended family is pretty huge. My dad has four siblings, and my mum three (although sadly my mum's oldest brother passed away about 5 years ago). Consequently, I have plenty of cousins, some of which also have children of their own now too! My brother (who is two years younger than me) has two beautiful daughters who are aged 3 and 1. They are truly gorgeous, both inside and out. They are a joy to just be around, and I love them dearly! :)

I work at a nearby hospital, as a supervising technician, and as such, am responsible for training new staff on our department, and overseeing the running of the department when management aren't around. I've been there for nearly 7 years, and I love it!

I have a small but completely brilliant group of friends, who I love and trust immensely. My best friend, P is my oldest, closest friend, and the most brilliant of all! We've been best friends for 16 years, and I trust her with my life. I'm also her little boy's godmother.

My pleasures in life are not what some people would call tremendously exciting, but hell - they're my pleasures! I love love love listening to music. I'm open to listening to any genre, but my heart always goes back to punk, indie, and rock. I do have a soft spot for Girls Aloud, but that's really the only 'pop' music I like. To be honest I'm not really into labelling music as one thing or another - to me, if you like it, you like it, it doesn't need to be categorised.

I read a tremendous amount, mostly autobiographical books, sports books, and anything factual. I have this sort of deep-seated thirst for knowledge. Having said that, I also have a copy of every Stephen King novel, so don't go typecasting me as some sort of intellectual, because really, I'm not!

I love watching any kind of sport, although I left my playing days behind at school. Rugby league and football are my favourites, but to be honest I will watch any! Thankfully, this is a hobby I share with J!

I'm gonna finish now, as I think I've covered everything I wanted to in my first post. I hope this has given you a little bit of an insight into my life, and what I'm about. I'll look forward to posting again soon! x-x-x

P.S If you've got any questions, please feel free to leave a comment :)